If I Ran ESPN... Ten New Show Ideas For The Worldwide Leader
With the summer months now trickling in upon us, we’re officially in the sports doldrums. There will be no football for another two months (and if you’re an NFL fan, maybe none even then), with basketball and hockey soon on their way out too. It doesn’t help that there won’t be a World up, Olympics or any “Decisions,” to occupy our time and the airwaves this summer either. So what the heck is a sports fan to do? Actually watch baseball? Say it ain’t so!
This is especially true at the Worldwide Leader in Sports, ESPN, where to be quite frank I don’t know what they’re going to broadcast in the coming months. Sure there’s that dreaded old man's game, baseball, and then what? Billiards? Poker? Canadian skeet shooting? No, no, and please…NO!
Either way it’s clear that it’s time for ESPN to look into some original programing, and thankfully, I’m here to help.
Here are 10 TV show ideas from me to ESPN, to get them through the summer months…
Is Les Miles Smarter Than A Fifth Grader
In this spin-off of the hit TV show, “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?” 10-year-olds from all over America come together to prove once and for all, if they are in fact smarter than LSU head football coach Les Miles.
Hosted by Jeff Foxworthy (because honestly, what else does he have going on?), the fifth graders match wits with the Mad Hatter, in a handful of categories including, Earth Science, fractions, modern American history and US geography. The show consists of two rounds of 10 questions each, with those questions ranging in difficulty from “If Patrick Peterson returns two punts, then gets injured and Terrence Tolliver returns the next three, what percentage of punts did Peterson return?” to “What is the capital city of Oklahoma?”
Each day’s winner will receive a monthly supply of Skittles, as well as an all-expenses paid trip to a Baton Rouge area Chuck-E-Cheese’s. Regardless of whether it is Miles or the fifth grader that actually wins.
Airing Monday through Friday, 6:00 p.m. EST on ESPN2
$h*! Lou Holtz Says
In this gripping, one hour weekly reality-drama, 10 of America’s best court stenographers get together to match wit and skill, under the cruelest of conditions: As Hall of Fame football coach and ESPN announcer Lou Holtz reads to them.
Over the course of the show, Holtz will read two, one paragraph excerpts from his autobiography “Wins, Losses and Lessons,” as each stenographer has 30 seconds to pick through Holtz’s lispy tone and airborne saliva, and translate what was said, into actual, readable English. Each week the typist with the worst translation is sent home, until we are left with just one.
(Alternative, less catchy show name: “America’s Next Top Stenographer”)
Airing Tuesday at 8 p.m. EST ESPN
The Real World: Nashville
What happens when people stop getting polite and start getting real? Well, in the case of Kirk Herbstreit, you pack up your family and get the hell out of town!
In true Real World form, this one hour reality show follows America’s favorite (and most dreamy) college football analyst, as he uproots his family from Columbus, OH and starts a new and totally wacky life in Nashville.
Get ready for hilarity to ensue, as episode themes include, “Kirk gets lost and ends up in his first Blues Bar,” and “Lee Corso shows up to the Herbstreit home unexpectedly, tries to make a grilled cheese sandwich, and almost accidentally burns the house down!”
Airing Tuesday at 10 p.m. EST ESPN
Columbia Shore: Starring Stephen Garcia
With the MTV show “Jersey Shore,” filming its final season as we speak, this spin-off allows Mike, Ronnie, Pauly D and Vinnie to move into a new shore house, and enter a party experience like they’ve never been part of before: By joining forces with legendary partier, and South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia!
Watch as two worlds collide, with the Jersey guys now in their toughest environment yet. Still, that won’t stop them from embracing and making the most of the “situation,” even teaching Garcia the true meaning of “GTL,” and “beating the beat.” Meanwhile, watch as Garcia shares some of his biggest secrets with them, teaching the guys how to make home-made Hurricanes in the blender, sneak beer into church, and throw the perfect out pattern. This is a show you don’t want to miss!
Also be sure to stay locked in (like Garcia does with all his receivers) through episode seven, when drama threatens to tear the house apart. After Stephen’s partying goes too far and he ends up stealing a school bus full of day campers (luckily everyone was safe), the guys are at their wits end. It also makes Ronnie re-evaluate everything he’s ever done in life, find religion, and wonder if time to leave the house.
Will he stay? Will he go? Tune into Columbia Shore to find out.
Airing Thursday at 10 p.m. EST ESPN
Field of Dreams: The Series
You remember the classic 1988 movie, Field of Dreams, right? The epic story of Iowa farmer Ray Kinsella building a baseball field in the middle of Iowa corn country, all to bring his dad back for one final catch? Moving stuff, huh?
Well, see what happens 10 years later, as we return to Iowa, and the tables have turned on Ray (played again by Kevin Costner).
No longer is Kinsella the loveable, local hero, but instead the town drunk. With Terrence Mann writing a best-selling book, his wife Annie disappearing into the magical corn field with Tris Speaker, and his daughter now a failed softball player, Kinsella is down on his luck, and has turned to the bottle. And everyone is worried. Not only for Ray himself, but also for the baseball stadium too. After all, the guys need a place to play!
Can Shoeless Joe and the boys save Ray? Or is it too late? Tune into to Field of Dreams: The Series.
Airing Friday 9:00 p.m. ESPN
Scared Straight With Ray Lewis
Speaking of old classics, remember Scared Straight? When parents down to their last wit, bring their out of control teens to prison in hopes of scaring them straight? Well, welcome Scared Straight 2011, where the local state prison has been replaced. Instead, these out of control teens will now spend a day at the house of Baltimore Ravens linebacker, and resident crazy person Ray Lewis.
Watch as Lewis uses some of the most revolutionary and controversial tactics in juvenile rehabilitation (including “Taking off his shirt,” and “Making direct eye contact with the children,”), to turn the lives of some of America’s most troubled teens around.
Prison didn’t work on these kids. Now it’s time to scare them straight, Ray Lewis style!
Airing Friday, 9:00 p.m., ESPN
Man vs. Food: Ballpark and Tailgating Edition
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times: Man vs. Food’s Adam Richman is the greatest athlete America has ever produced. I mean honestly, who else could eat a 96 ounce rib-eye, two gallons of coleslaw and drink a liter of Mountain Dew and not only live to tell about it, but ask for dessert? I’d like to see LeBron James try that. Psht!
Well, with ESPN reportedly making $8 billion a year in revenue (according to the new book “Those Guys Have All The Fun”), it’s time to buy out Richman’s contract, and bring him over to the Worldwide Leader in Sports. Hell, if they can pay Rick Reilly millions a year, why not splurge on someone with actual talent?
Either way, in this half hour weekly show, Richman is done with burger joints and rib shacks, and hits a ballpark or stadium near you! One week he might be eating sushi at Dodgers Stadium, the next jumbalaya at an LSU tailgate, and the next, licking the last piece of squid right off the ice in Detroit!
One thing is for sure: Make sure to pack an extra 47 servings for your next tailgate. Adam Richman is coming to your town!
Airing Wednesday, 9:00 p.m. ESPN2
Phil and Jeanie Take Billings
With the commercial success of “Khloe and Lamar,” the Kardashian family has come up with another hit that can’t miss! Executive produced by Ryan Seacrest (Of Keeping Up With The Kardashians fame), we’ve now got Lamar’s old coach Phil Jackson as you’ve never seen him before: Retired and stoned out of his mind in his native Montana! Along for the ride is Phil’s girlfriend and former Playboy Playmate Jeanie Buss.
See how city-girl Jeanie handles Phil rural roots, in this weekly, half hour comedy-drama. Episode plotlines include, “Snow hits Billings in October, Jeanie refuses to leave the house,” and “Phil disappears for three days on a spiritual retreat. The police are called.”
Airing Sunday, 10:00 p.m. ESPN2
Baby Mama Drama
I teased this in a column a few weeks ago, but it’s worth repeating here. Why? Because it’s time for some Baby Mama Drama!
Based on the success of “Basketball Wives,” this hour long show hosted by Jeff Van Gundy, brings together one heavily-tatted and conceivably crazy NBA basketball star (maybe J.R. Smith? O.J. Mayo? I don’t know) and 10 pregnant women, with the goal of putting aside the baby mama drama, and figuring out which woman he actually impregnated!
One woman will be eliminated each week, every week until the Baby Mama Drama is complete, and we know once and for all who our fallen hero knocked up. Watch for the exclusive after show, as lawyers fight over the cost of monthly alimony payments.
(Alternate show name: “I’ve Never Even Met That Bitch!”)
Airing Tuesday 9pm ESPN, right before Real World Nashville
Verne Lundquist After Dark
His late night exploits have become legendary. Now, after years of ruining CBS’ college football, basketball and golf coverage, see Verne Lundquist like you’ve never seen him before…. Eight scotches deep and hosting his own late night talk show!
Every evening Lundquist will interview some of sports’ biggest names and celebrities (not to mention plenty of people made up in his head too), in the charming way which only Verne can. Which, of course, usually includes calling them by their incorrect names.
Also keep an eye peeled for special appearances by Verne’s college basketball running mate, and long-time drinking buddy Bill Raftery, who will occasionally stop by for co-hosting duties.
Airing Monday through Friday, 12:00 p.m. until Verne passes out face-first on the desk, ESPN2
