In the wake of two years' worth of press coverage of petty bickering and back-biting, Big 12 interim commissioner and professional coaching rainmaker Chuck Neinas says the conference is preparing a new media blitz to replace the quickly outdated "How We Play" campaign that still features turncoats Missouri and Texas A&M.
CBR managed to obtain footage of the new video spot, and although we can't publish it here, we were allowed to publish the script.
*SCENE – Separate voices read newspaper headlines as they flash across the screen:
-"Texas A&M announces intent to leave Big 12."
-"Missouri formally accepted into SEC."
-"Big 12 crumbling."
*SCENE – Cut to mega-booster T. Boone Pickens at his eponymous stadium in Stillwater, Okla.:
"We the people of the Big 12..."
*SCENE – Cut to shot of old Big 12 logo on floor of league offices in Dallas.
A pick-axe suddenly strikes the Missouri emblem. The camera pans up the axe handle to find Kansas coach Charlie Weis, adorned in a hard hat and coach pants, holding it. He wipes his sweaty brow.
*SCENE – Cut to Texas athletic director DeLoss Dodds standing next to an ESPN camera in a TV studio:
"In order to more perfectly monetize our third-tier media rights..."
*SCENE – Cut to archived video footage of the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Longhorn Network studios.
Chortling Texas head coach Mack Brown does his Anchorman impression behind a desk inside:
*SCENE – Cut to Baylor President Ken Starr sitting in an empty courtroom:
"And ensure our existence as members of a conference with an automatic BCS bowl bid..."
*SCENE – Cut to man – or woman – with buzzcut dressed as Texas A&M Yell Leader:
"We're really leaving this time... We really mean it... You'll miss us when we're gone..."
*SCENE – Cut to Iowa State head coach Paul Rhoads punching a moose. He turns to the camera:
"Do solemnly swear..."
*SCENE – Cut to archived video footage of Oklahoma President David Boren speaking at September 2011 press conference:
"These are very strong handcuffs. The grant of rights really does bind the conference together and it shows that we fully intend to stay together."
*SCENE – Fade in "HANDCUFFED." logo, as participants speak in unison:
"To a grant of rights."
In the split second before screen goes dark, Dodds hastily adds:
"For six years."