As you no doubt heard, read or saw, Pirates top prospect Starling Marte homered on the very first pitch he ever saw as a major leaguer. This, of course, means he will be the greatest player ever. Don't believe me? Let's compare the Hall of Fame-bound Marte to the other young stud hitters that have been taking the league by storm this season.
First we have wunderkind Bryce Harper. Harper is having a very nice rookie season, especially with him being just 19 years old and all. But in his first at-bat, what did he do? He grounded out to the pitcher. That's not very good. That's not very good at all. The pitcher's mound is like really close and stuff. Despite that, he seems poised to have a good and possibly great career.
Next we have uberwunderkind Mike Trout. In his first at-bat as a major leaguer, back in 2011, he flew out to right field. Right field is further away than the pitcher's mound so that's definitely better, but he still made an out. Again, despite this, Trout might very well be on the verge of winning the Rookie of the Year and MVP this season. If this is how good he is at age 20, he might well end up being one of the greatest players to ever step on a baseball diamond.
Which brings us back to Marte, who we already know hit a home run in his first at-bat. According to my official baseball rule sheet that I have taped to my monitor, hitting a home run means he hit the ball farther than a fly out and didn't even make an out! That's fantastically fantastic. Plus, he did it on the first pitch. Trout and Harper both needed multiple pitches just to be bad. Therefore Marte must be better than Trout, who is better than Harper. And don't even try and argue with the transitive property of inequalities or you will retroactively fail fourth grade algebra.
I think the obvious conclusion here is that Starling Marte should be declared Emperor of Baseball for Life, with the only possible exception that Jurickson Profar gets promoted and hits a grand slam off the pitcher before the first pitch even leaves his hand.
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