"Hi, I'm a viewer of television..."
That's how it stared. An innocent sounding 69-year-old lady who cares enough to take time out of her day to leave a voicemail for a front office staffer of the Sacramento Rivercats. Specifically, to talk about one of their new players at the time, former Major League superstar Manny Ramirez. And then, out came this gem...
"...and I noticed that Manny Rodriguez has these long-long dreadlocks. I don't know how many Rivercats have that, but, we, we, a lot of people out here don't feel these people should be able to have/play with this long hair."
What happens in the following three minutes of recording if nothing short of jaw dropping hilarity. Among the amazing quotes provided by this lady, who describes herself as, "not a fuddy-duddy" are these classics...
"I think there should be rules where they have to have short hair not longer than behind their ears and maybe they won't get on these darn performance enhancement drugs. Long hair and drugs we all know goes together."
What a ridiculous statement! I mean, Tim Lincecum has long hair and you don't see him...oh, wait...never mind.
"It can hurt the eyes of the opposing players trying to tag them out."
I guess this is plausible, but could you imagine this actually becoming a real problem? Joe Mauer has been placed on the 15-day disabled list (Dreads to eye).
"And I'm a lady, I'm not a fuddy duddy."
According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, fuddy duddy is described as: one that is old-fashioned, unimaginative, or conservative. In other words, if you use the phrase "fuddy duddy," you're probably a fuddy duddy.
"I just noticed they're all getting in trouble on steroids and using cortisone for energy. That stuff causes cancer. That's why Lance Armstrong, the bike guy, got cancer."
I'm not sure that players use cortisone, an anti-inflammatory medication, for energy, but anyway...Why do we need to bring Lance Armstrong into this? Last I checked, he never had dreads. I'm actually surprised she didn't call him Lance Anderson, the bike guy.
"Because [a dreadlock] does fly into the second, third, first baseman's face when they tag him out. Of course catcher has a mask on, but..."
Thank God at least one player on the field is safe from the eminent danger of flying dreadlocks! Of course, you have to listen to the actual audio to truly appreciate the comedic value of this voice mail. Enjoy.