Welcome to the Bluths Explain Football.
For the uninitiated, this is easily the most unnecessary column you'll read on line this week month ever.
The Bluths are returning from hiatus, as they are want to do from time to time.
Freed from the shackles of the AFC South, they now offer their special wisdom to the entire NFL.
For those not familiar with this series, much like Arrested Development, it's the ultimate inside joke.
I review episodes of the classic television program from the by-gone days of the mid '00s, and then make cockeyed comparisons to the NFL. Like Season Four, it only sorta works, but you want to believe in it so desperately, you keep coming back for more.
You can go back and peruse my work on Bleacher Report to find a full rundown of the first season.
Today's Episode is 2.01: "The One Where Michael Leaves".
Plot
Furious over the family's treatment of him, Michael takes George Michael and tries to abscond to Phoenix. Concerned the family hasn't noticed his absence, Michael returns to make his point more loudly. Tobias and Lindsey try an open marriage, Gob takes over the company and discovers evidence of treason, and later Tobias discovers the Blue Man Group.
Michael is later convinced to stay after the family comes crawling back to him for help, but is left in a bind when George Sr, disguised as Oscar, reappears to steal the evidence.
Quotes
Got a picture of her in a swimming cap when she was 14. Looks like a Falcon.
–Michael
Atlanta looks like the Falcons, in as much as they still wear red and black and have a falcon logo.
With a third straight loss to an AFC East team, however, the family resemblance is fading. The Falcons dropped to 1-4 after a crushing defeat by the Jets and now stand four full games behind the division-leading Saints. After coming so close to making the Super Bowl last year, it looks like Matt Ryan and company will be staying home this January.
They still play the 49ers and Packers on the road and New Orleans and Seattle at home. Granted, two against the Bucs and Panthers help, but it's hard to imagine this squad getting to nine wins this year.
Now with the late news that Julio Jones may be out for the year, it's time for a face lift.
That's sort of what I thought until I heard about all that Phoenix stuff
-George Michael
Hats off to Bruce Arians. The Cardinals aren't playing well, but it's hard to argue with 3-2, even if two wins came over two of the worst teams in the league. If they had only managed to beat the Rams in Week 1, they'd be in business.
Long term, it can't possibly last. Carson Palmer's passer rating of 67.0 and Rashard Mendenhall's 3.2 YPC aren't taking anyone to the playoffs. This car is turning around before it gets any further down the road to the promised land.
Arians already has one miracle season under his belt. A second and he'll have to be start going by "Saint Bruce".
Under her picture, it said, "Not Pictured"
-Maebe
God bless the Cleveland Browns. They shop and deal their best players, win three games in a row and still wind up with Brandon Weeden at quarterback. They may be the plainest offensive team in football.
They are so bad that Trent Richardson still leads the squad in yards per carry at 3.4.
Oh and for the record, Richardson is listed as "not pictured" in the team photo.
I've never admitted to a mistake! What would I have made a mistake about?
-Gob
After the first game of the 2012 season, the Houston Texans announced the re-signing of Matt Schaub to a big extension. That went swimmingly for, oh, about three months.
A year later, Schaub has turned into a point-scoring machine for the opposition. His barrage of pick-sixes is ultimately fluky and probably statistically meaningless, but there's no question he is not right. The problems started late last year.
By now Texans fans are burning Schaub's jersey, all but officially marking the end of the shortest Super Bowl window in history. Rick Smith's gamble to gain cap space has backfired, and his starting quarterback may be heading for the bench. Whoops!
Hey, it was a fun 10 weeks while it lasted!
Do you want to steer or are you too old to sit on your pop's lap and drive?
–Michael
Peyton Manning may be the oldest starting quarterback in the game, but the old man can still drive. I'm not sure how often he sits on Archie's lap, but if you watched Book Of Manning, you know he's probably up for it.
That would make for a fantastic Buick commercial. They could just reenact that scene. Something tells me it would make more sense with Eli as George Michael, though.
It's too much pressure!
-Lindsey and Tobias
The Miami Dolphins were off to a great start, but two losses and 10 sacks later, 3-0 has become 3-2, and the Fish is fading fast.
While Ryan Tannehill can help himself by getting rid of the ball more, his offensive line is now last in the league in adjusted sack rate.
The Dolphins still own nice wins over Indy and a suddenly feisty Browns team, but if they don't protect the quarterback, it's going to be a long, frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying season.
"Let the great experiment begin!"
-Tobias
Chip Kelly has brought his hurry-up tactics to the NFL and has the Eagles in first place in the NFC East!
Well, sort of. I mean, the Eagles are in first place, but with a 2-3 record, the enthusiasm isn't totally flowing yet. On one hand, the Eagles are scoring 27 points a game, up nearly 10 from 2012, but they are giving up around 32, up about five.
The Eagles lead the league in fastest time between plays, but without a defense that can get off the field, the season is going to end about as well as an open marriage.
I run a pretty tight ship around here.
With a pool table?
It's a gaming ship
–Gob and Michael
Greg Schaino's strong-arm tactics with Josh Freeman have helped to completely bury the season for the Bucs.
You don't have to be a Freeman supporter to be disgusted by the release of his participation in the NFL drug testing program. There's no evidence that Freeman was being disciplined or had done anything wrong. The Bucs organization, whether or not Schinao was the source, smeared a young man without cause.
Whatever Freeman's faults, he didn't deserve to get painted as a drug user. At this point, Schiano is just blasting holes in the wall of the franchise, and I doubt he's around long enough to patch them up.
I'm afraid I just blue myself
-Tobias
Fish in a barrel, my friends.
Poor Tony Romo. No matter how well he plays, something always goes wrong.
There's no point in even trying to explain it at this point. The funny thing is, he's one hot month away from becoming the most popular man in Texas.
Look, if it can happen for Flacco, it can happen for anyone.
Right?
It looks like he's dead.
-Dr. Fishman
The tears aren't coming. They just aren't coming.
–Gob
The New York Giants are 0-5, Tom Coughlin is on the hot seat and not a single blessed person outside of the Empire and Garden states is sad about it.
Raise your hand if you had Rex Ryan as the front runner for longest-tenured head coach in New York by the end of the year. Yeah, I thought so.
The Giants have brought their fans plenty of glory in the last few seasons, which is remarkable because they've missed the playoffs three of the last four seasons and had a nice healthy lead on four of five.
After all, Eli is so clutch he only shows up for playoff games, even if he sometimes forgets to play well enough to get the team there in the first place.
Summary
Sometimes, we just have to go home to find where we belong. Like Michael discovered that he needed his family to need him, so I too have learned that I have an as yet unmet need to make off-kilter allusions to a TV show that peaked in the Neilsens around 120th nationally.
And so I'm back and so is the Bluths' second season, because I love it.
I love it like a motherboy.
