Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football. You may have made a terrible mistake.
It was an all-chalk weekend in the NFL. As the season rolls along, we now have a pretty good idea who will own 10 of the 12 playoffs spots, and aside from Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford's heroics, most of the games this past weekend were both predictable and one-sided.
Week 8 may have been a dud, but there's still plenty to learn from it. Especially when we relate everything that happened back to Arrested Development.
This week's episode is 2.02 "The One Where They Build A House".
Michael hopes to spur interest in the Bluth company by completing a second model home as a demonstration the company is solvent. Gob, motivated by a call from his father in Mexico, one-ups him in front of the board, and demands the house be built in two weeks. Lindsay dates a homeless man, and Buster tries to avoid his impending military service.
Thanks to extraordinary efforts by Michael's hapless team, the model home gets built, only to collapse during ribbon cutting ceremony. All this happens while a blue-latex coated Tobias shadows Lindsay.
"There’s a cream with real diamonds in it. I can actually smear diamonds on my face! And it’s only $400 a tub! That’s, like, what, like, a million diamonds for $400? A million ****ing diamonds!"
Mike Wallace had three catches for 41 yards against New England, and that's pretty much the end of the good news.
He was targeted 10 times, but dropped several passes as Miami blew a 17-3 halftime lead. What's really sad is that it was still his fourth-best game of 2013.
That five-year, $60 million contract has pretty much been smeared all over the Dolphins and is now serving to camouflage them as a third-place team, when in reality, they are probably much more like a last-place team.
George Michael, I’m sure that Egg is a very nice person. I just don’t want you spending all your money getting her all glittered up for Easter, you know?
The Kansas City Chiefs fought through the Cleveland Browns to push their record to 8-0.
It's also not all that meaningful.
KC is a good team, and no one is trying to play the "they aren't for real" card. They are a playoff team and will be an unpleasant matchup for anyone. However, they aren't likely to win the AFC West. KC has yet to beat a team with a winning record, and their opponents are a combined 20-41. They've also played five home games already.
With five in-division games left against the brutal AFC West, KC could still have a very nice season but only max out at 10 or 11 wins.
"I’ll leave when I’m good and ready."
This one goes out to Tom Coughlin who managed to get his Giants back on the board for a second time in two weeks. With rumors flying that the two-time Super Bowl-winning coach could be on his way out in New York, the Giants have responded with a pair of victories.
It's probably just window dressing on what is destined to be a forgettable season, but even a 7-9 or 8-8 season could be enough to earn Coughlin the right to go out on his own terms.
For a coach as accomplished as he is, the larger question is whether or not he still wants to coach beyond 2013. With the bye week and three home games in a row on the horizon, he may get a chance to write his own exit yet.
"I heard zoo noises."
That awful grunting noise you heard in the pantry was the Cincinnati Bengals availing themselves of the New York Jets.
In what was an unpleasant experience for casual bystanders, Cincy piled up more than 400 yards of total offense as they built a 35-6 lead en route to a 49-9 violation of the Geno Smiths.
Cincinnati has ripped off four-consecutive wins (including three against .500 or better squads), and now looks like a contender in the AFC.
New York continues to bob up and down rhythmically alternating each win with a loss, but don't be tempted to watch.
It's not a pretty sight, and you will feel worse about yourself when you are done.
"They’re taking me in the Army. They didn’t think there was enough wrong with me."
On one hand, the Dallas Cowboys are just 4-4. They have lost heart-breaking games to the Chiefs, Broncos and Lions.
On the other hand, they still lead the NFC East by a game, and with Matt Barkley throwing up all over himself on a weekly basis in Philadelphia, the playoffs are going to have to take the Cowboys whether they want to or not.
The truth is that Dallas is good for the league. They certainly offer compelling football, and nearly every game they play winds up being a must-watch affair, even if only for the inevitable hijinx that will ensue.
"Bluth Homes: Solid as a Rock!"
It sounds like a joke to praise the Patriots. To hear Boston fans talk about the team, you'd expect them to be 2-6.
Instead, they are 6-2 and still on pace to earn a bye in the AFC. Tom Brady has reverted to 2001 form and is playing arguably the worst football of his career.
Still, they are riding the league's fifth-best scoring defense all the way to the top spot in the AFC East.
It may be all smoke and mirrors, and who knows if the model home has any furnishings, but looking around the conference, it's entirely possible that they emerge come January.
Either that or the walls cave in around them.
"What's wrong with him?"
-Lucille and Lindsay
Note to Greg Schiano: I hope you have a very good realtor.
Something tells me you are going to be moving soon, and I'm expecting multiples on this one.
"I'm just hoping to get mildly injured to get out of the army."
What exactly does it take to sideline Peyton Manning anyway? Two sprained ankles?
He throws for four touchdowns.
He's been hit hundreds of times in his career. His neck has been fused together with what I understand is a mix of silly putty and masking tape. He has a serious case of noodle arm, and now he can barely walk.
He's also on pace for 58 touchdowns and nearly 6,000 yards.
"My brother wasn't optimistic it could be done, but I didn't take 'wasn't optimistic it could be done' for an answer!"
God bless Bruce Arians. Old boy waited his entire career for a head coaching job, and when he finally got it, his plan was to bring in the desiccated corpse of Carson Palmer to play behind the worst offensive line in football.
And you know?
It's sorta almost working.
No one thinks the Cardinals are awesome, but 4-4 isn't bad. Keep in mind that since moving to Arizona, the franchise has just six seasons at 8-8 or better.
So what if Palmer has a passer rating under 75 and has thrown more picks than touchdowns? And who cares that his sack rate is three points higher than his career average?
BA has his team limping along and 8-8 is a real possibility.
It's still a long shot, but he's optimistic it can be done.
"We almost did it, though, didn't we? We almost pulled it off!"
"No, it wasn't even close."
-Gob and Michael
I'm pretty sure this is a direct quote from the Jaguars' team plane on the way home from London.
Half-way through the 2013 season, there are still a few model homes left standing, but don't be surprised if more than a few come crashing down over the next several weeks.
There's still a long way to go before the Chiefs and Lions can cut the ribbon on a Super Bowl appearance. There isn't any one runaway favorite in 2013, so look hard.
The team you've been looking for all along might be wearing blue latex, hiding just around the corner.
I miss Arians as a Colts coach. He was always jovial with a special sense of humor. I find myself listening to his press conferences once in a while hoping for a gem or two.
@Blue North I can't wait...